Chasm (Daisuga)
by Adai E.B
Summary: The story in which best friends learn the difference between love and an empty hole. Genre: Yaoi, Drama, Angst Content Warning: Explicit Sex Scenes


Sugawara stared at the wall through his puffed eyes. He should have been asleep from crying all night, but the television kept him awake. There was no point turning it off. He couldn't sleep with it, and he couldn't sleep without it. He flipped his pillow to the cool side and leaned his chin against the feathers. There was really no need to weep since he already knew from the beginning this is where it would end. Damaged goods. He'd been marked down since he was four years old after his father got tired of him. Then again when she left. And again when Kageyama came to replace him as setter. _It's the same every time._ Sugawara held the fabric and felt his blue-gray eyes stinging from holding back the tears. Embraced for a short time and then placed in the for sale box. He smiled feeling his cheeks tighten against the heat of his swollen face.

* * *

 **Senior Year- High school**

"Daichi-san..." Sugawara stared down, shading the boys bruised cheek. "Are you going to sit here all day?"

Daichi opened his brown eyes and frowned. "You're blocking the sun Sugawara..."

"Oh sorry..." Sugawara sat upright and stared towards the flame setting in the west. The sun was stalling. The moon was biding its time. Waiting. "It's getting late."

"Yeah practice was rough." Daichi yawned. "I'm really tired."

"Why don't you go home and sleep Daichi-san."

"Mmm…" Daichi chuckled. "Michimaya wants to meet tonight, but her practice doesn't end till 7. It's troublesome if I go all the way home and then come back out."

Sugawara smiled and pulled his knees up to his chest. "Yea I guess that's true." He replied softly. He stared then at the shadow the top of the school building made thinking he'd be better suited in the shade.

"If you want to go you can." Daichi yawned. Sugawara stared down at Daichi as the boy closed his eyes. "I get it if you don't wanna waste your time sitting up here with me-"

"No-!" Sugawara exclaimed. Daichi's eyes opened reflexively. "I mean." Sugawara swallowed and smiled.

Daichi lifted up and levied his weight on his ashy elbows."Yea?" He hardened his brow.

Sugawara stared at him. He bit his lip and felt the heat of the sun burning the top of his ears. "You're my friend," he said casually, but Daichi did not falter his gaze."It's normal that I'd want to hang out with you." Sugawara grinned and tilted his head slightly. "It's...I don't mind sitting up here with you." He'd sit here forever with Daichi if the boy wanted him to. Just to see the boys wide dark eyes, and thin lips, and black hair fall across his brow.

Daichi quirked his eyebrow and smirked. "You're so strange Sugawara..." He chuckled and stood. "You're always making such a sweet smile, but I never know what you're thinking beyond that." Daichi grabbed his bag and positioned it over his sweat drenched shirt.

"Yea." Sugawara stood and grabbed his bag. "I guess that's true." He did not think he was so difficult to read, but maybe that was because he'd had so much practice fooling Daichi all these years.

When they began to walk Sugawara peered at Daichi. The boy said he would just meet her at her house instead of waiting at school, but Sugawara felt Daichi's discomfort. Had he said too much earlier? If he kept his friends company the entire way to Michimaya's…would that be strange?

"You should think about getting a girlfriend too Sugawara." Daichi extended his lengthy arm touch the top of Sugawara's head. Sugawara's ears still burned despite the sun set. Sugawara laughed and shook his head out of Daichi's grasp.

"Girls aren't into guys like me." He lowered his head, staring at the pavement. "I'm not as good at volleyball as you are Daichi-san, and I don't have a handsome face either." Sugawara continued to stare down at the craggy side-walk not noticing Daichi trailing behind him. "I'm not cool like you or Asahi." The corner of his mouth upturned.

"Hah- the only person who thinks Asahi is cool is Hinata-san-and maybe Noya-san."

"Well…I'm not cool to anyone." To anyone, but especially not to Daichi. To prove that fact he only needed to look at his current predicament. He was here now walking to Daichi's girlfriend's house because he wanted a few extra minutes with the boy. He had homework, and committee work waiting for him at home, but just like the sun stalling that afternoon, he wanted just a few more seconds to rinse in Daichi's presence.

"Are you an idiot?" Daichi stopped walking completely.

Sugawara's eyes widened and his footsteps ceased as well. He turned to Daichi's angry face. "Sorry." Sugawara smiled and shook his head. "I shouldn't be whining-"

"Why do you think...sports and stuff like that would matter?"

"Heh-?" Sugawara raised his brows smiling with his mouth parted. "I just think that...girls like a guy who is built like a man." He laughed to boil over his mortification. "I mean...I'm just not really muscular..."

 _And it doesn't matter._

"Daichi-san is- I mean."

 _Because I'm not interested in girls anyway._

"Better suited for dating girls."

 _Silence_.

Sugawara's forehead began to sweat, but he continued to stare at the pavement. He could feel Daichi's dark eyes on the top of his silver hair. Was it sad that he was okay with Daichi staring at him? Even if Daichi thought he was strange...just to have his gaze for a moment.

"Your eyes."

Sugawara lifted his head slowly. "My eyes?"

"They're very pretty." Daichi said still gaping at him.

"Thank…you." Sugawara's heart thudded in his lean chest. There was a night breeze that swept his Daichi's black hair, trapped between he and Sugawara's passing forms. Daichi walked right past him without noticing the intake of breath. Sugawara just stood and stared.

"I'll see you tomorrow at practice, Sugawara."

That was the first time Sugawara watched Daichi as he disappear. He did not blink until the black hair blurred with the sunset and he lifted his fingertips to the bottom of his watering eyes.

* * *

 **Freshmen Year- College**

 _Knock. Knock._

The blue-grey seeped out when he opened his eyes. Sugawara sat up and rubbed through his silver hair. The rain tinkled against the veranda door.

 _Knock. Knock. Knock._

Sugawara looked over from his futon at the time.

 _2:38am_

He stood and shuffled his foot out of the blanket. The cold outside froze his feet on the wooden floors.

 _Knock. Knock. Knock. Knock._

"Yeah..." Sugawara answered softly. More than angry at being woken, he was afraid. His mom bounced off again last year with her new boyfriend, so he lived in a small apartment by himself about a ten minute walk from the university.

"It's Daichi-san..." Sugawara's breath hitched. He held the knob of his door and turned it to give an inch opening. How would it be if someone tricked him? The man never came to him this late before. "Sugawara..." Sugawara could see the dark eyes staring back at him with a head full of soaked black hair. His deep voice tingled up Sugawara's spine and neck.

It was him. Daichi.

"Daichi-san-!" Sugawara wrenched the door open and pulled the man inside. Daichi stood drenched. His shirt stuck to his broad chest and his pants dripped on the welcome mat. "Daichi-san-!" Sugawara stared at him frowning. "What happened? Is everything okay?"

Daichi rubbed the side of his face and took off his shoes before entering the apartment. "Can you get me a towel?"

Sugawara stared as Daichi moved inside. It was okay that the man stepped through his apartment as though it was his own. Since Daichi took the job with the construction company he sometimes stayed at the apartment when he needed to work early, or after hanging out too late when he came into town; the central area to Daichi's work and the city. Sugawara would never admit it was the reason for purchasing the apartment. He went to the closet to get Diachi a towel and knocked on the bathroom door gently.

"Daichi-san-" The door swung open and Daichi grabbed the towel from Sugawara shutting the door on his face. Sugawara lowered his head. He raised his hand to knock again, but slid his fingertips against the wood, clenching his fist.

When Daichi came into the living room Sugwara looked up. The man was fully dressed. He'd helped himself to Sugawara's clothes, t-shirts and sweatpants that were too big to wear anywhere but in the house. In the year since graduation Daichi had become manlier. His chest was wider, and his arms were thick and muscular from lifting steel and welding. His jaw had become squarer, and his face had slimmed with a wispy goatee on his chin.

"Daichi-san..." Sugawara slid his knees to his chest. "I know...you probably don't want to talk about it but-"

"Do you have beer?"

"Root beer. In the fridge." Sugawara answered softly. When he heard the fridge door close, he tried again.

"Daichi-san..." The can hissed open. "Is everything... are you alright?"

"I'm fine. I just got caught in the rain. This was the only place I could think to come." Daichi slurped the beer noisily. "Sorry for intruding."

"No-!" Sugawara shook his head. "I mean..." He felt the anxiety licking his gut. "I mean...it's not that I mind." Sugawara squeezed the couch fabric. "It's just..."

 _It's just I'm worried._

"Nevermind." Sugawara stared up at Daichi as he drank the root beer more quietly now.

"Thanks then..."

They sat in silence. Daichi guzzled his drink without saying more about his night-time wandering, and Sugawara contented himself drinking in the man's wet shoulder length hair. He'd never seen Daichi's hair completely wet before. Sugawara avoided the locker room showers back in high school.

"Do you..." Daichi asked when they finally settled in Sugawara's futon. "Do you believe in karma Sugawara?"

Sugawara opened his eyes and stared at the back of Daichi's head.

"I don't know..." Sugawara answered quietly. Karma, the idea that the energy one puts out, is the energy one will receive. Positive to positive. Negative to negative. Every experience Sugawara had had, aside from meeting Daichi, had been negative. "Yes. I think I believe in karma." Daichi shifted sliding his leg up."But..." Sugawara continued apprehensively. "Daichi-san hasn't done anything to make anything bad happen to him." It did not matter if his words were true. In his mind Daichi was perfect.

"Michi and I broke up." Daichi answered. Sugawara's body tensed. His slanted eyes drilled a hole in the back of Daichi's skull. "She was cheating with some married college professor." Sugawara knew he was not breathing, but he could not chance a gasp. "She confessed to me...she wants to work it out." Daichi sighed. "When I was younger the girls I dated said that I didn't pay enough attention to them. All I cared about was volleyball and hanging out with you and Asahi so I never had time for dates." Sugawara reached out to grab Daichi's thick shoulder, but he clenched his hand into a fist. "Maybe this is the pay back for those times…" Daichi said quietly.

"You haven't done anything wrong Daichi-san." Sugawara whispered closing his eyes. "Whatever you did in the past with other girls has nothing to do with Michimaya."

 _She just doesn't know what she has._

"She's just an idiot."

"Heh-" Daichi snorted and Sugawara's body melted underneath of the heavy quilt. "That's the first time I've ever heard you insult anyone."

Sugawara squeezed the top of the blanket. Damn.

 _Am I being too obvious?_

"I didn't mean to insult Michimaya- I mean..." Sugawara swallowed. "I'm sorry to-"

"It's ok..." Daichi cut off his apology and exhaled slowly. "You don't have to filter yourself around me Sugawara." Sugawara did not know if the floor was spinning or if he stopped breathing again. "I mean...you're my best friend..."

"Heh..." Sugawara choked out a shaky laugh. "Daichi-san is... making me blush..." Sugawara laughed. Daichi didn't.

"Hey Koushi..." Daichi whispered. Sugawara stopped laughing at the sound of his first name. "Do you think...maybe for tonight I could hold you?" Sugawara could feel his fingers tense around the quilt he held. "It's just that...I'm not used to sleeping alone..."

Daichi turned to face him and Sugawara's shoulders retracted back into the folds of his bed spread. Daichi had slept alone any other night he'd visited. They stared at each other; watering grey-blue against the stark black iris'."I promise... I won't get too close."

Sugawara wondered how he looked at the moment? Afraid? Confused? Or hopeless? Probably all three. Sugawara nodded slowly and rolled to his side as Daichi embraced him. They laid in silence for a while with Sugawara listening to Daichi's steady breath. He could feel the rise and fall of his heavy chest, and Sugawara wondered how anyone could betray someone who was perfect in every way. For years Sugawara wondered what it would be like for Daichi to hold him like this.

"Daichi-san..." He was jealous of Michimaya, because she got to feel this man's warmth around her every night.

"Hmm?"

But Sugawara would never acknowledge that part of himself.

"Do you think...you and Michimaya will get back together?"

Daichi did not answer for a while, but Sugawara could feel the man's hastened heart beat on his back.

"I don't know..."

Sugawara nodded. He wanted to list all the reasons Daichi should not return to her. Why Daichi should stay here with him forever. Why Daichi should give him his heart instead of Michimaya, or any other woman. Why he loved Daichi more than anything.

Why he would do.

Anything...

For this man.

* * *

 **Sophomore Year-College**

Daichi took off his jacket at the door and Sugawara looked up from his text-book.

"I'm back..."

"Welcome home, Daichi-san." Sugawara smiled and stood watching the man teeter out of the boots he wore to work that day. Daichi moved towards the bathroom as he always did, and Sugawara heard the shower run shortly after. He walked to the front of the apartment to make sure Daichi locked the door and noticed the man's jacket was wet.

 _Rain?_ He looked at drizzle staining the glass of the veranda door. He hadn't noticed because he was nose deep in his calculus book. He'd gotten most of the problems done, but there was one he just couldn't figure out.

When Sugawara heard the door creak he turned towards the footsteps on the hardwood. "Raining huh?" Sugawara smiled and moved past Daichi setting plates out on the kitchen table.

"Yeah. Pouring actually." Daichi followed Sugawara sitting at the table and pulling on his socks. "You're still studying?"

"I'm almost finished." Sugawara set out the rice, and moved to scoop some on Daichi's plate. He added some pork stuffed dumplings on a smaller plate and handed Daichi chopsticks. Daichi worked six days, in construction, and Sugawara took care of the house and went to school. Early mornings. Late days. On Daichi's days off he lounged around with Sugawara. He did not know when they'd settled into this convenient routine, and he did not care.

"How can you study all day like that?" Daichi mouthed a ball of rice and chewed hungrily.

"I have off tomorrow, so I'm hoping to get ahead of my studies."

"Hah-! As if you'd fallen behind." Daichi sipped his green tea. "Just remember me when you become a politician."

"What makes you think I'd want to do something like that?" Sugawara stared at Daichi with a gentle smile.

"That right there..." Daichi pointed to Sugawara's mouth. "I can never tell what you're thinking when you smile like that." Daichi smirked and sat down his cup.

"I don't think I'm particularly hard to read Daichi-san."

 _I've just practiced a long time._

"All I know is, people like good looking smart guys in politics."

"That might be true…But I don't think likeability has anything to do with smarts or smiles." Sugawara replied. "If I could choose someone, he'd be natural born leader. He'd give off confidence and reliability. Not someone who fades in the background, but someone who shines like the sun. Someone who makes you feel like everything is okay, even when it's not. Who assures you that you'll make it through, even when you feel like giving up…someone…" It was not until Sugawara felt Daichi's burning stare that he realized he'd been rambling.

"Someone?" Daichi asked him staring directly at Sugawara. Sugawara lowered his head to hide the longing in his eyes.

"Someone like that would be better in charge." He lifted the napkin to his mouth. "More importantly, I don't really have the background for politics."

"Well. Either way. You're going to have a respectable job someday."

"You've a respectable job, Daichi-san."

"I move wood and steel. Hardly proper." Daichi chuckled.

"If your boss didn't respect you he wouldn't have urged you to apply for the manager position." Sugawara reminded him. "You're the type to settle down too I think."

 _And I'll..._

"You'll get promoted, get married, and have three kids."

 _And I'll disappear._

"Whoooaaa- I think you're just getting ahead of yourself. You're the one who's due for a girlfriend." Daichi chewed the end of his chop stick.

Sugawara's heart rattled in his lean chest. He focused on the steam wafting from his tea-cup. "Women... don't like me, Daichi-san."

 _And I don't like them._

"I wouldn't know what to do with one even if I got one."

"Yeah well. Women aren't that hard to please Sugawara." Daichi shrugged. "I mean I think, you're a likable guy." The man said through his mouthful of rice. "And you have really nice eyes."

Sugawara almost dropped his chopsticks when his fingers tensed. It was not the only time Daichi had complimented his eyes, but he always had the same reaction.

 _Tingling...tight...desire._

It was as if he swallowed a cube of ice. "Thanks," Sugawara replied as it slid down his throat slowly.

"Anyway." He did not know whether Daichi could feel the discomfit oozing from him, but he was grateful to the man for ignoring his blatant blush. "I have off tomorrow so we should do something tonight."

"It's pouring outside Daichi-san." Sugawara could still feel his heart pounding.

"I never said going outside..." Daichi jeered. He lifted the beer can in front of his plate. "Let's get hammered."

Sugawara heard the echoing liquid in the can and shook his head. "No thanks." Sugawara sipped his tea. Getting drunk with Daichi was a bad idea.

"Oh come on..." Daichi grinned. "It's Friday and it's miserable outside."

"What does one thing have to do with another?"

"It doesn't but…" Daichi bought the can to his lips even though Sugawara knew it was empty. "But I guess I was so content I didn't realize it'd already been a year since then." The man let out an empty chuckle.

 _Oh right._

Sugawara stared at Daichi. It was exactly one year since Daichi came to him. On this night Michimaya confessed that she'd cheated on Daichi.

 _So that's why? You miss Michimaya?_

Daichi stood and scraped the plate before going to the sink to wash it. Sugawara stared as the man grabbed another beer and sat on the couch. For a while now he wondered about Daichi's intentions. After he came a year ago in the rain, he asked Sugawara if he could stay until he found an apartment. Of course Sugawara said yes. Days turned to weeks, weeks turned to months, months turned into a year. Time slipped away. Living with Daichi was like a coma dream.

 _Click_.

Sugawara sat next to Daichi and slurped the beer frowning his face.

"Don't make such a terrible face..." Daichi laughed and rubbed his charred finger tips through Sugawara's metallic colored hair. "It's beer not piss."

Even more so than when he'd first moved in, Daichi's body had become something Sugawara had to train himself not to stare at. The man lost the goatee, but what remained was the hardened jaw and square chin. The dark of Daichi's hair and eyes made him look like a warrior. Sugawara had seen paintings of Samurai in his art history course. A man with his sword glistening. Daichi shared the same rough face. Hard body. Intense eyes. Concentrated brow. Heavy breath.

"Sugawara..."

"Yes?"

"Thanks..." Daichi whispered downing the can.

Sugawara slid the fresh can up to his mouth and smiled.

* * *

"Ahhh..." Daichi breathed deep as he fell into the futon. "God I'm tired." Sugawara curled into a ball on the side of the futon with his breath heavy. "And drunk..." Daichi added yawning. Sugawara held on to the side of the futon thinking of all the reasons he shouldn't have drank. He was going to say something weird. He was not going to be able to control himself. He was going to make Daichi uncomfortable.

"Sugawara?"

"Yes?" Sugawara tensed.

And then Daichi would leave.

"Are you okay?"

Sugawara chuckled lowly. "Yes I'm fine..." He squeezed his hands against his shoulders. "Guess I'm a bit drunk too."

"Well I guess that was the point but..." Daichi groaned and laid his stomach on the mattress staring at Sugawara with one eye open. Sugawara clenched his eyes shut."Koushi..." Daichi whispered his first name, and Sugawara could not help but return the man's gaze. "Aren't you tired of me being here?"

Sugawara blinked. "What...what do you mean Daichi-san?"

"I mean..." Daichi bit his lip. "It's awkward isn't it? Sleeping in the same bed. Sharing meals together."Sugawara held his breath. "Me. In your space."

 _Is that the way you see it?_

"Don't you ever want to have a girlfriend?"

Sugawara stared at Daichi."I've never thought about having a girlfriend." Sugawara never thought about being with any girl. He fell in love with Daichi at fourteen and never thought of a woman or man in the same way again.

"Really?"

"Yeah..."

"But don't you ever..." Daichi cut his gaze away momentarily. "Don't you get urges? That you need to take care of?"

"I have urges all the time." Sugawara whispered still gazing at the man's dark eyes. "But I don't need a girlfriend to take care of them." Daichi visibly swallowed. Sugawara did not want to stare so intensely, but it was difficult to turn his stormy gaze away from the face he'd admired for so many years. Ogling the man like a prized possession became a way to calm, knowing that Daichi was there when he needed stability.

"Heh...yeah..." Daichi laughed awkwardly. He rubbed the top of his head and sighed as he diverted his eyes to the ceiling. "I guess I don't really need a girlfriend either..." He stretched and closed his eyes. "Just need an empty hole..." Daichi laughed again at his own crudeness and Sugawara felt dread swallow him like darkness.

 _An empty hole?_

Daichi was everything Sugawara wanted, and nothing he would ever have. From the moment he saw the boy's smiling face, tossing the volleyball and playing with the others, he wanted him. Sugawara only needed to stare at him at first. Standing at the door of the gymnasium and watching the boy receive every toss his way. Then he needed to be closer, because he could not see the boys form fully between the glass of the heavy metal door and 4 other players. On the gym bleachers he could see the boy's calf muscles tensing when he ran at full speed, and watch the boy's chest heave after he'd spike the ball into his opponent's court. He could see the sweat lain against his forehead, and when the boy really played hard, the shirt gripped his taut abdomen.

 _Days...weeks...months..._

It was only when the boy caught him the hallway one day did they first exchange words.

"You're the guy who always watches us play volleyball right?"

Sugawara flinched as the boy cornered him between the wall and his locker. He turned his head away, fighting the red of his cheekbone.

"Yeah..." He mumbled holding his bag.

"Oh? You like volleyball?"

Not particularly. The boy was just the most beautiful person Sugawara had ever seen. He was the only person Sugawara ever found himself drawn to. "I really like watching you play..." He replied. As if the boy would know about his feelings just from that.

"Thank you!" Daichi rubbed the back of his head grinning sheepishly. "We're in the same year right? If you like volleyball you should join the team."

Sugawara couldn't believe the boy was talking to him. As if he was important enough. He shook his head and then lowered it. "I'm not good...at sports..." Sugawara clenched his teeth. "I mean. I suck at volleyball so..." Sugawara could feel the boy's eyes on him; everywhere his gaze landed bubbled and popped.

"Oh..." The boys smile faltered.

 _Yeah..._

"I see."

 _Don't get close to a useless person like me._

"Well that's okay." The boy extended his hand. "I'm Daichi Sawamura."

Sugawara lifted his head and swallowed. "Koushi Sugawara..." Sugawara dared to touch the boy's hand. There were callous' on Daichi's palm. When their hands parted Sugawara's fingertips burned.

From the beginning Sugawara knew he knew he would never have him.

 _But..._

Sugawara reached out to Daichi. He clenched his fingertips, but did not pull back.

"If you want..." Sugawara turned Daichi's strong jaw towards him and touched the man's face. "I could...be a hole for you..."

"W-what do you mean?" Daichi's body tensed under his fingertips, but Sugawara did not pull away.

"I mean..." Sugawara leaned into Daichi with their lips almost touching. His brain stopped. Daichi was going to toss him like a deflated ball. He was going to smack him. He was going to stand up and tell him how disgusting he was. He was going to walk away. He would never see Daichi again. But he didn't stop. He couldn't stop.

 _Daichi._

The heat from Daichi's tongue vibrated through him and he felt the air in his lungs disappear, the tingling, tight, desire to have this man. "Haah...haah..." Sugawara exhaled straddling the man's lap.

 _Daichi_.

When their lips parted Daichi looked up with widened eyes.

"Sugawara... What-"

Sugawara kissed him again. He wouldn't stop until Daichi said no and shoved him off. Which one was that? Desperate or pathetic.

 _Daichi._

Probably both.

Their fevered kisses ignited Sugawara to the core. At first he was the only one doing what he wanted, but soon Daichi had matched his tongues vivacity. He could feel Daichi's hands sliding up his back. His fingers were calloused from lifting, and rough from the welding burns. Sugawara always loved them. He wanted to feel them inside. Feel Daichi...inside.

"Sugawara..." Daichi panted and slid Sugawara's pants down around his slim waist and Sugawara was happy for once that he did not have a man's build. Maybe that made it easier for Daichi to clutch his hips, and grind his cock against Sugawara's abdomen. Maybe that made it easier to imagine him as Michimaya. The man had a boner that made Sugawara shiver in anticipation. He kissed the man again and slid his fingers through the jet black hair. He could not taste enough of Daichi's tongue saturated in alcohol.

"Ngh..." Sugawara felt Daichi licking his neck and clawing more at his he'd completely removed their shirts Daichi delved his fingers into the dip of Sugawara's back and trickled down to his ass. His fingertips were like sandpaper. The dexterous hands that once sent him powerful serves now sent shivers up his spine.

It was the alcohol.

Sugawara was sure.

However, Sugawara did not care that Daichi hesitated when the man touched his erection. It was okay that Daichi did not look at him when Sugawara swallowed his cock, or when he covered Daichi in warm spit. When Sugawara guzzled the gush of cum coating his cheeks and tongue. Daichi could picture Michimaya straddling his hips and filtering her fingers through his hair if he wanted to. That was all okay. For Sugawara to be able to kiss Daichi's thin lips, and taste Daichi's saliva and essence. To feel Daichi's cock full with desire, stretching him open- drilling him like a street crater. To feel Daichi's strength pulling him, and Daichi's weight pushing him, and Daichi's sex crushing him.

"Ahhh! Daichi-san...Hnngh...!" And when Sugawara came he gave himself the pleasure of calling his best friend's name. How many times had he imagined Daichi as the strangers who'd rutted him decadently? In love hotels. In back alleys. Anywhere that he could rid himself of the lust, of the heat in his groin. With Daichi the sensation was bottomless, filtering into his pores like a drug, so stark it made Sugawara want to crumble.

"Koushi..." For maybe the twentieth time Daichi called his name. Done so wistfully it made Sugawara want to cry.

"Daichi-san?" Sugawara grabbed his arms tightly and looked up at him with his eyes brimmed with tears.

If Daichi said: "We should never do that again." Sugawara would freeze his heart like pulsing wart.

If he said: "Please overlook this." He'd forget it. Sugawara would pretend this night never happened.

If the man said: "This was a drunken mistake."He would save Daichi from the feeling of worthlessness and go back to thinking of this man as intangible.

"Are you okay?"

Sugawara's heart stopped. He was trying desperately not to cry, but one small question bowled him over. "Heh-" He felt the tears slide down his reddened cheeks. "Yes, Daichi-san." Of course he was okay. As many men as he'd taken...without rough hands. Without the heat that pulsed through him like an electric current. Sugawara was dancing on the cliff of dejection, dangling like a swaying leaf in the breeze. It was staggering bliss.

"Good."

Daichi did not need to, but he held Sugawara in his sleep like he always did.

* * *

It began simple enough. After the night they shared together Daichi apologized for something he had not initiated. Sugawara did not chide Daichi's ego by reminding him he was the one who'd engaged him. After that things went back to normal for a while. Sugawara was okay with their one night, because Daichi had never asked him to forget it. It was perfect. He would savor that heat between them, and the memory of their lips almost touching, forever. So two weeks later, when Daichi accosted him in the bathroom as he was stepping out, Sugawara thought he might have imagined the entire thing.

The man gutted him with his shaft while stroking Sugawara to orgasm in the shower."Dai-!" Sugawara screamed as he came. "Chi-!" The next time was in their futon where they soaked their mattress in cum. The next time Sugawara rode Daichi on their couch with the man gripping his back for dear life.

The first times were clumsy, since Daichi had never taken a man before. However, after Sugawara realized this change in their routine he made sure he prepared for Daichi each night. Sugawara anticipated Daichi's mood, and met him with equal intensity.

One time a week...two times a week...three times a week...

Sometimes Daichi came to Sugawara. Sometimes Daichi was too tired, and the man just held him. Sugawara did not mind. They did not talk about what the sex meant, because it did not need to mean anything. He was the one who offered Daichi an empty hole. He was the one who'd climbed on top of Daichi and seduced the man to delve deep with within him. The only thing Sugawara needed was the marks left on his skin from Daichi's teeth, and the nails dragged across his arms and back. He speared him like a volleyball spike through the iron wall. Sugawara only needed to feel the throb in his lower back to know that Daichi had soiled through him like ink on thin paper. Everything was fine. As long as the paper remained untouched and face down.

And for two years... it was fine like that.

* * *

 **1st quarter College- Senior year**

"Happy birthday Daichi-san!"

Sugawara gathered with six others, three of which were women around the small table with Daichi's cake. Somehow years had passed in the gridlock he called life.

"Blow out the candles! Make a wish Daichi-kun!"

"Kun-?" Sugawara saw Daichi's face frown among the flickering flame, and then the light extinguished in the room they'd rented out for Daichi's party.

"Whooo!" The group clapped as a girl with short blonde hair turned on the lights. Sugawara was standing behind everyone trying not to draw too much attention to himself. These were all Daichi's work friends and he did not know any of them.

"What did you wish for Daichi-kun?!" The same blonde propositioned.

"I can't tell you!" Daichi yelled back downing a can of beer. "It won't come true if I do that."

"Aww booo..."

Sugawara caught Daichi's eye, and the man winked quickly. Sugawara blushed and slid out of the corner. He stood across from Daichi instead, and stared. Daichi was in his element. It reminded Sugawara of when they were in school. Mobs of people flocking around Daichi and Sugawara standing in the background like his shadow. Why was Daichi so perfect? Why was he so unlike Sugawara in every way?

"Don't worry I'll give you a big slice of the cake Sugawara made to make up for it." Daichi was already twenty-one. How had time gone by so quickly?

"Heh-" Sugawara chuckled when Daichi picked up the microphone to sing karaoke. Sugawara had had Daichi to himself for three years, but he could only think one thought:

 _It will be painful when he throws me away._

"Sugawara-san." Sugawara lifted his head. "Do you want to have a turn?" Everyone was staring at him.

"Eh no-!" Sugawara shook his head smiling. "I don't- I'm not good." He bit his tongue.

"Sugawara doesn't like singing in public." The man wrapped his arm around Sugawara's shoulder. "But he doesn't mind screaming in the shower."

"Ah Sugawara-san, you and Sawamura-san went to school together right?" One of the men with light brown hair asked? "You're close right?"

"Y-yes." Sugawara replied quietly.

"Oh! Tell us what Sawamura-senpai was like in junior high!"

"Eh!" Daichi waved his hand with his brow twitching. "That's not important." The man squeezed Sugawara tighter.

"It is!" The blonde replied hushing Daichi. "Tell us Sugawara-san! Please?"

 _Daichi in junior high?_

Sugawara felt his ears burning from the stares, but Daichi was ogling him too. Was he waiting for him to tell them?

"I remember..." Sugawara started closing his eyes. "One time there was this kid who was picked on a lot. I guess he was really quiet, so people just assumed he was suspicious. The group laughed and Sugawara smiled. Daichi's dark eyes were still on him. "The boy had no friends. He thought that there could not be anyone who would find him interesting. Or likable. Or find him at all." Sugawara opened his gray eyes. "Then one day, Daichi-san went up to the boy, and asked him if he wanted to play volleyball."

"Volleyball?" The man with brown hair blurted.

"Well of course the boy had no idea how to respond to that. He was terrified of Daichi-san. He was awkward around him, and the boy hid from Daichi-san when he could for a long time after that. But..." Sugawara smiled. "Daichi-san was persistent. He always talked to the boy. He introduced him to his friends. He always made time for him on his free periods...then one day..." Sugawara swallowed. "Then one day some boys found out that Daichi-san had befriended the boy. They told him that the boy was in love with him." Sugawara could feel Daichi's grip around him loosening. "That Daichi-san should stay away from him, because he was no good. A worthless person." Sugawara gazed at Daichi with his mouth parted. "And Daichi-san said-"

"You're worthless. You don't know anything about him." Daichi finished quietly.

"Yeah..." Sugawara's chest throbbed as he dragged out the memory from his subconscious. His eyes avoided Daichi's frowning face. "After that the guy had no choice but to join the volleyball team."

"Aww Daichi-kun. You were so cute. I can just imagine you in school with your uniform." Sugawara noticed the woman was finding opportunities to touch Daichi. She grazed the man's shoulders and smiled. Sugawara could imagine Daichi in his volleyball uniform clearly too. How many times had he gazed at the number 1 on his chest. He could also imagine Daichi with a gregarious woman like Ritsuka.

"Ritsu-chan..." Daichi grinned wider.

She reminded Sugawara of Michi. Daichi liked women like her. She was bold enough to make her feelings for Daichi obvious. She was pretty enough to stand by Daichi. "The thing is..." Sugawara began more quietly as his chest swelled with envy. "The thing is the boy really was in love with Daichi-san, but he never told him that." Sugawara grimaced.

"Hahahahaha oh man." One of the men laughed. "That sounds like Sawamura-senpai to be so clueless."

"Yeah!" Ritsuka came behind Daichi and ruffled his uneven hair. "Tell me about it."

Crowd laughter.

Sugawara peered at Daichi from the side, sipping on the beer he nursed. Daichi stared at him with his dark eyes dilated.

 _Why did I do that?_

* * *

When Daichi entered the apartment Sugawara was still in the shower. After his subtle confession Daichi's mood plummeted. The man tried to pretend, but Sugawara could tell he was straining. Then Ritsuka pulled Daichi aside and Sugawara used it as his opportunity to sneak unnoticed.

Daichi was going to come in and call him disgusting and maybe punch him for lying. Well he did not really lie. He merely hid the truth for almost ten years. Now he and Daichi had started this debauched relationship where Sugawara became audaciously jealous over someone who did not belong to him. He'd tricked Daichi into thinking they were men just playing around. What did that fall under? Deception or Manipulation?

"Sugawara..." Sugawara heard the gentle knock on the bathroom door.

 _Probably both._

"Sugawara, I need to talk to you."

Daichi did not sound angry, but Sugawara imagined the man standing at the door with his bags; walking out on him like his father walked out on him, like Daichi walked out on Michimaya.

"Hold on a second."

No. He was not an equal to Michimaya or to Ritsuka. Daichi was only a friend who'd indulged Sugawara just a bit too long. He was just too nice. No. What had Daichi's coworker said earlier?

 _Clueless._

When he stepped out of the bathroom Daichi was not waiting outside. He was sitting on couch with his hands folded in front of him. When Sugawara walked over the man lifted his head.

"Sugawara..."

Sugawara smiled.

 _Clueless. That was it._

"Sorry I left early. You know I get weird around too many people." He walked over to the fridge to grab them both a beer. "It seems like you had a good time." Sugawara's can fizzed as he opened it. "And your friends seem nice." Daichi had said he needed to talk to him, but Sugawara did not want to hear what the man had to say.

He'd say: "I'm leaving..."

"I didn't realize there were so many women working in the offices."

He'd say: "This was a mistake."

"I mean it's good. You guys have so many people."

He'd say: "Goodbye...forever."

"Did you guys finish the cake?"

"Sugawara." Daichi cut off his rambling. Sugawara placed his can on the counter and held the edge.

"Daichi-san...you don't need to say anything to me. It's better if you just go."

"What?!" Daichi snapped standing.

"You're going to ask me...about the story I told right?" Sugawara grimaced as he stared out of the veranda door to the right of him. "About the boy being in love with you..." He turned to face Daichi. "You're going to ask if it's true?" Daichi stepped slowly and Sugawara tensed receding his lower back against the counter. The man finally reached Sugawara, but did not keep distance between them. Sugawara lowered his head and Daichi grabbed his chin lifting it up. Daichi's hold tightened as he leaned in to Sugawara and stole his breath with a kiss. "Are you going to tell me you were playing with me Koushi?"

 _Playing?_

"Haah..." When their lips parted Sugawara panted as he gripped Daichi's suit jacket tightly. "Mmgh..." Daichi lifted his legs up and pressed him harder into the sharpness of the tile. "I-I wasn't..." Sugawara panted as Daichi's tongue broke his speech. "I didn't...Daichi-san...I mean..." Sugawara's voice trembled as he swallowed the ache in his throat."...I've always...with Daichi-san-

"Daichi."

"What?" Sugawara peered into his eyes, half lidded.

"Call me. Daichi." Daichi clawed off Sagawara's pants in a frenzy, and pushed up against him so hard a jar of pickles smashed to the ground. Sugawara flinched. Daichi panted.

"Wait-Mmgh-" Daichi drowned Sugawara's protest with his tongue and squeezed his waist. Sugawara felt the man's needy cock through his dress pants. Sugawara panted, licking his lips to savor the lingering spit. "Daichi-." Sugawara did not need convincing. "To bed..." He wrapped his hands around the man's neck levying his weight. "Take me."

As soon as they reached the futon Sugawara felt Daichi's hands on him. He squirmed feeling the man's fingers in his hair tilting his head back for access to his skin. Daichi leaned down and flicked his tongue against Sugawara's perking nipples, and moved his hands down to Sugawara's belt buckle.

"Nnh..." Daichi's heated breath on his chest made his cheeks flush. "Ah... " Sugawara shuddered in complete heat. "Daichi hurry... " He breathed heavily.

"Are you ready Koushi?" Daichi asked a little shakily. Sugawara felt the man holding his thighs down firmly. "Just indulge me a little longer…" Daichi said huskily, kissing the tip of Sugawara's shaft gently.

 _Indulge you?_

Sugawara tensed - watching Daichi slide his tongue against the tip of his erection. For a moment, Sugawara was silent. Daichi had never sucked him before, but the way the man's tongue moved on him. "Daichi-san...hnngh..." The man licked up from Sugawara's base all the way up to the tip of his member. Daichi sucked and slurped him loudly.

"Daichi." Daichi corrected. Sugawara shivered and reached out to Daichi's hair when his dick hit the back of Daichi's throat.

"Sto...stop..." Sugawara breathed. He could feel the pressure in his cock mounting as the sweat trickled down his forehead.

Daichi popped off his cock before he licked down to Sugawara's entrance and simultaneously dug him out with his thumb. "It's okay if you want to come Koushi. Don't hold back."

"Ahhh...haah... You don't have to do that..." Sugawara dug his fingernails into Daichi's taut shoulder-blade. "Don't lick there." Sugawara lifted his hips to escape Daichi's probing tongue. "Daichi-san!" He yelled as he erupted inside of the man's tensed mouth. Sugawara's eyes misted over. He could only hear Daichi's shallow breath. Fuck he couldn't think. He could feel Daichi's cold stare as he leaned over top of him shirtless.

"Daichi." Daichi slid his soiled tongue down his throat and Sugawara latched on to him to taste his essence on Daichi's lips. Sugawara felt Daichi lift his legs to his naked chest. His flaccid cock slapped against his stomach, but his cleft throbbed longingly.

"Let me do it tonight," Daichi whispered. He grabbed the lubricant from under the couch cushion and took his time to prepare Sugawara. By "do it" Sugawara assumed Daichi meant take the lead. Since they'd begun their arrangement it was Sugawara who took control of the encounter. But tonight...

"Daichi..."

Sugawara's fingernails marked Daichi's skin. The man's sweat dripped body ground against him, and Sugawara moved his legs to rest on Daichi's back. If Sugawara did not feel Daichi's length splitting him, he would think he faded into a dream.

 _This could not be..._

Daichi plummeted in Sugawara's hole and his breath hitched

 _This could not be real..._

"I'm coming..." Daichi whispered. The man's pace accelerated, but his stroke was as steady as ever Sugawara noticed. The stability Daichi possessed on the court translated well. He had a blinding rhythm and a deliberate swivel in his wide hips. Sugawara ground his teeth when Daichi pressed his chest down so he would not move.

"Dai-!" The strength of the man's arms held him as Daichi hammered him like a nail in the wall. "Daichi!" It brought Sugawara to the verge. Sugawara reached in front and began stroking himself desperately to match the grunts of Daichi's throat. He pinched the tip of his leaking slit and the pleasure shredded him like cutting shears. "Ahhh-ha-!"Sugawara gritted his teeth as he came for the second time. His cock stained both he and Daichi with warm cum.

"Mghnn!" Daichi kissed him and Sugawara felt the man's cock throbbing inside.

"Haah..." Sugawara did not want to stop. He did not want the orgasm to end. He did not want Daichi to slide out and leave him...empty. "Wait." He clawed Daichi's chest.

"It's okay. I'm not going anywhere..." Sugawara felt Daichi slide his fingers through his hair. "Are you okay?"

Sugawara smiled and gripped the man's arm tighter. If tonight had proven anything to him, it was that Daichi really was clueless. That the man did not know the extent of feelings buried deep within him. "I'm fine Daichi..." Sugawara closed his eyes. For now he was safe.

The next morning Sugawara woke earlier than Daichi. He'd cleaned up the mess from the night before and made breakfast and coffee.

"Good morning Koushi." Daichi beamed at him and Sugawara smiled gently pouring the man a cup of coffee.

"Good morning. Do you want to eat breakfast?" He did not add sugar because he knew Daichi liked it black.

"Yea I'm starving." The man stood up and slid on his boxers.

Sugawara turned his back and turned on the water as if to cool his face. Last night he'd slipped up, but he wouldn't again.

When Daichi was fully dressed and sitting at the table Sugawara walked over to place his plate.

"Did you sleep well?" Daichi tilted his head to catch Sugawara's eye.

"Yes." Sugawara smiled and buried his face in his tea-cup.

"Good." They ate in mostly silence. Sugawara kept stealing glances at Daichi's face, waiting for the man to shatter the silence. Daichi just ate normally, breaking up the quietness with response to the radio playing in the background. It was not until they'd finished and Sugawara stood from the table that Daichi accosted him.

"About last night-" Daichi began standing behind Sugawara. "I think-"

"I'm sorry." Sugawara cut the man off. "I had too much to drink. I said too much last night." He tried to slide away but Daichi gripped his wrist.

"What are you saying?" Daichi narrowed his dark eyes.

"I mean..." Sugawara shook his head. "I was rambling- I said unnecessary things." Sugawara could feel Daichi's hold tighten. "That was in the past...I was younger..." He swallowed looking down at their tiled kitchen floor. "What we have now..." _Is fine for me._ "It's not like I..." _I love you more than anything._ "Now it's different...Daichi-san..." _Now it's even harder to pretend I don't need you._ "So don't." _So don't leave me..._ "Don't take it the wrong way."

Sugawara felt Daichi's rough fingers on the bottom of his chin. The man tilted Sugawara's head back and gazed into his gray-blue eyes. "Daichi..." Sugawara breathed. Daichi's brow furrowed in confusion. "It's okay...the way things are now. This is fine for us." Sugawara smiled as Daichi's grip loosened. "I mean...I'm graduating this year." He lowered his eyes."Eventually you'll get married right? It would be awkward to still be living together with a family." Sugawara chuckled and swallowed the tears. "Ritsuka seemed like she had her eye on you." Sugawara laughed. Daichi did not.

"Yeah. Right." Daichi retracted his hand from Sugawara's face. "And how long did you plan on playing around with me Sugawara-san?" When he heard his family name he'd realized the damage was done.

"For as long you want," Sugawara whispered staring back at the man. Don't worry about what I said."

"And what about you?" Daichi demanded.

Sugawara smiled sweetly. "I realized a long time ago...this had no beginning." _I'll be your empty hole...for as long as you want…_ "When you're done with me just say so." _Just to be near you, I'll do whatever it takes._

"Now."

Sugawara held his breath. "What…?"

Daichi clenched his jaw. "We should stop. Right now." The man shook his head. "Going on like this. It's pointless right?" The man cracked his neck and stepped away. Sugawara could only hear Daichi's deep voice ringing through him, but he could not answer. "Now..." Daichi walked away. "Let's stop."

* * *

 **4th Quarter College- Senior Year**

"Daichi-san?" When he came home there was no one. He did not expect Daichi to be there. For the past months the man had stayed out into the early morning and stumbled in. Sometimes Daichi slept in the futon he'd purchased for himself. Sometimes he slept on the couch. Sometimes he never came home at all. Sugawara continued their routine. It was strange. Before Daichi he never worried about the silence in his apartment. The creaking of his chair as he shifted, and the noise from the neighboring apartments was ok to him. Now he was consciously aware of the man's absence. Daichi was like a missing painting on the wall. His almost samurai.

Sugawara lifted his head when the door swung open. He stood from the table covered with books from studying, and watched as Daichi began stuffing clothes into a bag.

"Going out tonight?" Sugawara said smiling and ignoring the ache in his chest. He stepped closer to Daichi to get a better look at him.

"Yea..." Daichi was wearing his work clothes, but he had on a hat that covered his had not shaved fully. His dark eyes were tired.

"Are you coming home tonight?"

Daichi scoffed."Probably not." He stuffed the clothes in more carelessly, grabbing his headphones.

"Then..." Sugawara could feel the rift between them growing wider every day. "Will you be back for breakfast?" Sugawara asked still smiling.

Daichi stared up at him coldly.

 _Silence_.

"Next month." Daichi zipped the book bag and put it on his shoulder. "I'm moving out Sugawara."

"What?" Sugawara held his breath.

"I'm getting my own apartment," Daichi put on his jacket.

"Heh-I see." Sugawara could feel the heated tears pooling under his eyelids.

"Yea I figured after you graduate you'll be moving," Daichi headed to the door putting on his boots. "So I should get a jump on it. It'll be good to have my own place."

Sugawara lowered his head and his breath hastened. What could he say?

 _He could say: I love you._ "Oh yea and..." Daichi stopped and stepped towards Sugawara. _He could say: I want you to come home._ "Remember the red headed girl at my birthday party? Eiko. She asked me about you." _He could say: Please. Don't leave._ Sugawara lifted his head.

 _And lose Daichi forever._

"She asked me if you were seeing anyone..." Daichi raised his brow.

"No." Sugawara breathed. He stared at Daichi with tears in his eyes.

"Then you should go out with her." Daichi walked away from Sugawara again.

"I-" Sugawara clenched his hands. "Don't want her."

"Well." The man shook his head as he opened the door and turned back towards Sugawara. "Just a heads up."

Sugawara's eyes widened.

"People will start to think you're weird if they don't see you with any women." Daichi closed the door.

There was really no need to weep since he already knew from the beginning this is where it would end. _Damaged goods._ Because he was too weak to hide his feelings from Daichi he'd lost him. The man grew tired of him, and why wouldn't he? He was worthless. From the beginning he knew that Daichi could never love him, yet he craved the man so much Sugawara let his lust take hold of the obvious truth.

 _T_ _hat he was nothing._

Sugawara's only solace was that he hadn't damaged Daichi in the process. No one would ever know about the time they spent in this apartment. After Daichi moved Sugawara would let the man forget about him. He would not seek Daichi out. He would never concede himself with memories of Daichi he knew he did not deserve.

Sugawara squeezed the pillow. What did he think would happen?

Daichi would say: "I love you."

Sugawara's breath hitched as the tears clouded his vision.

That Daichi would say: "Please. Let's be together from now on?"

Sugawara's body trembled even though he was under the quilt. That the man would see something in him that did not exist?

 _"You have...nice eyes..."_

Crying was useless.

Sugawara stared up at the ceiling.

Even the tears were empty.

* * *

 **College Graduation**

"Sugawara-san?"

Sugawara turned to the high voice that called his name.

"Are you waiting for your family?"

Sugawara was standing near the tree waiting for his mother and her new husband to come out of the hall. It surprised him that she came. "Yes, just my mother."

Daichi was not there. That did not surprise Sugawara.

"Your speech was good Sugawara-san..." The woman with black hair stood in front of him. "I didn't realize you were thinking about studying abroad." Her name was Mako.

"It was more of an impromptu thing..." Sugawara held his awards from the ceremony tighter. "I was not sure if the program I was interested in would accept me."

"Haha..." Mako chuckled and touched Sugawara's shoulder. "Sugawara-san, you're so modest." She grinned tilting her head. "You're almost the top student, and you're thinking a school won't accept you based on what?"

Sugawara's cheeks ached as he smiled."My English needs work..."

"Oh really?" She blinked twice. "I see. I hadn't considered that."

"Yes." Sugawara nodded." It's one subject I avoid I suppose."

"Well. I'm really good at speaking English. Since my father is an English teacher...Maybe if... if you needed me to tutor you?"

"I don't know..." Sugawara trailed. "I wouldn't want to burden you."

"Oh no-!" She shook her head. "I mean... I was happy when I found out that you'd considered the graduate program in America. Since I'm going too." Her face reddened. "You see...I've always admired you Sugawara-san."

Sugawara gaped.

"I wanted to tell you for a while, but I thought must definitely have someone. You always went home right away. Sometimes I'd see you reading cook books in class."

Sugawara stared at her. She was pretty girl. Short black hair. Slanted eyes. High cheek bones. Thin pink lips. She reminded Sugawara of Michimaya.

"Sugawara-san?"

Maybe that man's type?

"Suga-"

"Why do you like me?" Sugawara asked suddenly.

"What do you mean, Sugawara-san?"

Sugawara smiled mirthlessly as he stared at the ground. "You've never said two words to me before...why all of a sudden are you saying you like me?"

The girl paused and tugged the end of her hair. "You seem really nice..." The girl muttered. "And you're a really good guy."

Sugawara felt the words collide against him.

 _Nice._

 _Good guy._

"I'm not either of those."

"W-what?"

"I smile all the time so you think I'm a nice guy?" He shook his head. "I'm not." Sugawara found his duality disgustingly hilarious. He was nice enough to let Daichi hold him when he missed his ex girlfriend, and to share meals with him, and to talk with him, and to share their lives together.

 _To make love to Daichi._

 _To make Daichi fuck him._

This "niceness" was the reason Daichi indulged him for almost two years; and his need to possess Daichi had driven the man away.

"Heh." Sugawara let his laughter jumble with the tears in his eyes. "You're wrong. I'm not nice." This girl did not know him, and neither did Daichi. "And I don't have anyone. I'm not important to anyone." To anyone, but especially not to Daichi. He only needed to look around and experience the crippling loneliness he felt without him.

"Sugawara..." The girl sniffed wiping her eyes. "I didn't mean to insult you."

"Huh?" Sugawara stopped smiling and stared up at her.

"I'm sorry for making you mad Sugawara-san. I know it's stupid to be doing this right at graduation. But isn't it better that you know now than never at all? Isn't it better to say something rather than let the chance pass by?" Sugawara blinked and a tear slid down his face.

"I never meant for Sugawara-san to be angry though. And so..." The woman rubbed the tears out of her eyes. "I'm sorry for bothering you with my feelings."

 _Silence_.

Is this why Daichi hated him? Because he wasn't even brave enough to say, _"I love you..."_ This. This part of him that wanted Daichi so desperately he'd let the man use him for just sex. The part of him that would do it with anyone, just to drown his pain. The part that was alone and empty. The part he hated the most.

"I'm sorry..." The tears fell as Sugawara lowered his head. "I'm really..." Sugawara tensed his shoulders. "I'm no good-" His breath hitched. "With...around people...I-"

"Please excuse this guy." Sugawara stopped speaking when he felt a heavy hand on his head. "He's the kind of guy who thinks that he's worthless, even though he's really incredible."

Mako stopped crying and Sugawara's eyes widened. "He thinks that no one can see who he really is, even though for 7 years I've watched him, played with him, ate with him, saw the good and the bad sides of him. He thinks that no one will accept him for the true him but..." Sugawara's heart thudded through his entire body.

 _Daichi_.

"I know the smile he gives when he's faking."

 _Daichi_.

The deep voice rang in his ears.

"Because I've seen his real smile."

"Daichi." Sugawara clenched his jaw and the tears spilled over.

"I know that you also admire Sugawara, but I can't let him go. I won't let anyone else have him." Sugawara felt the strong hands that held him up and pushed him down so effortlessly. Daichi held the back of his head in a solid grip. "He's very intelligent, but he's clueless about love. I've been waiting for him to realize that I'm crazy about him, but he's too stubborn... and I'm too impatient." The man chuckled. "I guess I can't wait any longer."

Then the man lowered his head and bowed in front of Mako. Sugawara twisted his cloudy blue gaze. Daichi was standing next to him, holding him, telling Mako that he wanted him. When Sugawara breathed deep Daichi turned to face Sugawara. "My name is Daichi Sawamura, and if this man lets me..." Daichi uttered clearly staring at Sugawara's eyes intensely. "I'll spend my life proving my love."

"Heh..." Sugawara sniffed wiping the tears from his red face. His head pounded in the sobbing bow.

 _Daichi._

"So please. Don't be too hard on him... " Daichi's voice tinged as he stood upright."I'll be the one to show him his worth."

"Haha..." Sugawara lifted his head slightly towards the laughing woman with tears in her eyes. "Yes Sawamura-san." Mako smiled at both. "Please take care of Sugawara-san."

"Thank you," Daichi replied. Sugawara felt the man's hand take hold of his. Daichi's hands rough from welding, warm from the spring day, and perfect like a blissful coma Sugawara would never wake up from.

* * *

 **A/N: Thank you everyone for reading. I hope you enjoyed my Daisuga angst/ drama. Feel free to review, good or bad. I love these two, and I hope for a happily ever after for them both!**


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